The Playbook

Dearest blog readers,

Recently I had cause to re-visit one of my most cherished literary works: “The Playbook.” Included in this weighty tome is every scam, con, hustle, hoodwink, gambit, flimflam, stratagem, and bamboozle I’ve ever used or hope to use to pick up chicks and give them the business. While I’m not yet ready to release “The Playbook” in its entirety I will reward your loyal patronage with one of my favorites: The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

-Barnabus Stinson

“THE LORENZO VON MATTERHORN”

Target type: Doe-eyed star lovers, Romantics, Smartphone-wielding business types

Difficulty Level: Greenhorn

Preparation Time: Three quarters of a football game

Requirements: Basic knowledge of website design, A very unique fake name

Props: n/a

Costume: n/a

The Play

Think up a fake name. Have you got it? Good. Generate a series of websites devoted to the incredible life of your fake persona. While you should unbridle your creativity with your back story, as you write keep in mind that scientific studies of science have shown women find the following qualities most attractive: wealthy, powerful, animal lover-y. Also, it never hurts to suggest you have a giant penis. (See below:)

bigbusinessjournal.com

balloonexplorersclub.com

With your fake websites uploaded to the World Wide Web, it’s time to hit your favorite local pick-up spot and select your target, preferably someone with a real nice phone. Approach her and hover around until she makes eye contact with you. When she does, say, “Yeah, it’s me,” and following her sure-to-follow confusion, offer your fake name slowly and loudly. After she smugly says she’s never heard of you act pleased and say it’s a refreshing change of pace to meet someone who isn’t after your autograph, your picture, your vast wealth, or your vast junk. Now make a quick excuse and exit making sure to repeat your name again for her.

As soon as you leave she will get out her phone, do an Internet search for your fake name, and grow wild with passion for your fake persona. Return a few minutes later and offer to buy her a cup of coffee… And it is on.